Establishing independence and forming a unique identity are two of the most important developmental tasks adolescents must accomplish in preparation for living satisfying and productive adult lives.

Some parents find it easy to talk with their teens as they have mutual respect and support each other. Some teens are just easier to get along with but for a lot of families’ adolescence can be a difficult time due to arguments and conflict.

Parents can find it hard to understand the changes their son is going through, the decisions they are making, the friends they are surrounded by, their struggling school performance or lifestyle choices.

Teenagers can be very self-focused and not appreciate or consider how hard you are working, how worried you are about their future, how frustrated you might feel about them missing opportunities and how you may even feel that you are failing as a parent. They can rebel against parental authority and become withdrawn in an attempt to avoid further arguments.

To build (or rebuild) healthy communication firstly identify what the problem is (the symptoms) – the messy room, the late nights where you are not sure where they are, their lack of commitment to school, the fact they don’t help around the house etc. and then attack the problem, not the person.

I am certainly not an expert but have read lots of articles which recommend the following ways to help develop strong and healthy communication habits, which adolescents can also model:

– Actively listen by stopping what you are doing and paying attention. Try to understand the meaning and feelings of what is being said.

– Ask good open questions so you understand more clearly their answers.

– Be fair and honest – say what you expect of them but be willing to compromise in order to reach an agreement.

– Ask how you can help – maybe they need tuition, maybe you need to learn to trust them more, maybe you can be more available to spend time with them. Enjoy the casual conversations in the car or at meal time.

– Don’t lecture or bring up the past; don’t criticise or be sarcastic.

– Be ready to hear some home truths about you and if necessary don’t be afraid to apologise.

– Be respectful and understand their need for privacy.

– Share your feelings – ‘I worry when you come home late’.

– Be positive and give praise. Teenagers know what they are doing wrong but are less able to see what they do well. They are aware of the possibility of harm from their actions however are often willing to take risks in   order to find out for themselves.

Click on this link to find out more.

Remember all teens want to be known, understood, loved and forgiven so don’t give up on them.

Have a great holiday break.

Sister Margaret Bates
School Nurse