We could argue that every one of us needs a sense of security and a sense of significance to live happy and fulfilled lives – however, I want to suggest that children need these most of all. Children need them at school, but most particularly, they need to receive both of these dimensions of life at home from their parents and caregivers; the earlier the better and then carried on into the teenage years.

My wife and I have had the privilege of raising five sons and any wisdom I may bring to bear on this topic comes from the experience of trial and error as young parents in nurturing our boys. They are all young adults now; self-sufficient (pretty much), and living happy and fulfilling lives. Four of them are married, and the youngest is still single and studying Law at university in New Zealand.

For us, security for our lads came in a myriad of ways. They knew that one of us would be home when they got home from school (and I acknowledge this was a “luxury” that not all parents can enjoy – although I should add that this “luxury” was at some career cost to my wife, that she willingly embraced, and financial cost to our family budget – but we’ve never regretted these decisions in terms of the human investment we were making in our boys).

Our boys had clear boundaries in terms of their behaviour and participation in the household (routine jobs, clean rooms, etc). As they grew into teenagers, and the party scene loomed, we insisted on curfew times which was adjusted every year so that limitations were not ridiculous and embarrassing. I remember one night when our second son, at 17, had negotiated an additional, very late, departure from a party (he had leverage as we did not allow him to “overnight” following any social occasion). We actually offered to pick him up from the party at 2.00am. Of course this hurt the next day, in terms of my sleep deprivation, but at least we knew there was an end point to the night, and we knew he knew we would be seeing him, and the condition that he may be in, that night.

Dr Michael Carr-Greg, the renowned adolescent psychologist (and father) affirms the vital place realistic boundaries have in parenting, “A large number of Australian parents were hesitant to set limits or boundaries, use moral language or enforce consequences when their progeny make bad choices” (M.Carr-Gregg Blog November 17, 2011 http://www.carrgregg.blogspot.com.au/). He applies this particularly when it comes to the “party scene” and also “screen time” with our new digital revolution. Good sleep patterns are also something Dr Carr-Gregg is hot to trot on. In terms of safety at parties, amongst other things, he urges the use of taxi vouchers as well as a curfew arrival home time.

I am a great advocate of “bribery and corruption” when it comes to applying accountability to our children. If boundaries are broken there does need to be repercussions for our kids – conversely when boundaries are met, simple and meaningful rewards should be given. Conditional use of a car is very effective both as a reward and a punishment. Other creative points of leverage include threats of arriving at a party yourself and bursting into the midst of things to extricate them. You only have to do it once and you have them very receptive in future discussions.

Security and significance are linked. Our children will work out very quickly that we are valuing them and loving them by building in limits to their behaviour and life. Giving them “due regard” often, allowing them to be the focus of our attention (not all the time but on a daily basis) reinforced their sense that they are cared about and listened to. The other extreme is giving them the impression that they are the centre of the universe and that every little discomfort and problem needs to be removed and resolved. This means resisting the temptation to come dashing into school, or sending that email, each time our children suffer a disappointment like being dropped from a team or band, or not making the group they were hoping for, or gaining the marks they were expecting. Disappointments, and perceived failures, are a part of life, and what we need to do as parents is to help our children cope when these tough times come along. Our children need to know most of all that we will be there for them and love them unconditionally even if they make mistakes and fail.

(Useful books by Dr Michael Carr-Gregg include – “Surviving Year 12”; “Surviving Adolescents”; The Princess Bitchface Syndrome – Surviving Adolescent Girls”)

David N. Williams
College Chaplain