Self-confidence

Self-confidence is something we all wish our children to have.  It is not linked to a particular personality type.  Whether as an individual he is gregarious or an introvert – we want our boys to have a feeling of trust in their abilities, qualities and judgement. Without this, the courage required to move out of one’s comfort zone into meaningful challenges for learning is less likely to appear.

My children do martial arts and one of the things that I particularly like about it, is that it involves a framework of values that encourage mental and spiritual development, alongside the physical.  I enjoy hearing the ‘talks’ given to the students at the end of each session and recently I heard the instructor give the group 3 pointers for developing their confidence.  I share them here because they are relevant, simple and easy to implement.

1. “Appreciate what you have” –  A practice of gratitude not only makes us feel good, it changes the brain.  Feeling grateful for all that they have helps our boys realise how lucky they are.  Regularly practicing gratitude is also believed to encourage our brains to focus on the positives rather than the negatives, in general.  I’ve heard the analogy of Velcro and Teflon used to describe the ways our brain can process experiences.  Negative experiences stick like Velcro while the positive ones are like a slippery, non-stick Teflon coating.  A regular practice of gratitude can help minimise this by getting boys into the habit of recalling all that is actually going well in their lives.  This goes beyond material possessions to the more important aspects of positive relationships, abilities and personal characteristics.

2. “Remember your accomplishments” – In martial arts one of the big motivators for kids is the hierarchy of the coloured belts.  It’s such a tangible way to measure progress and a great way to set goals, however, on this day the message from the instructor was the need for the students to savour their accomplishments.  There is the habit in our culture to nail a goal and then head straight to the next one as though the last one didn’t exist.  I’m a big believer in goals but sometimes rather than look ahead to what we haven’t yet achieved, we need to sit with the glory of the belt colour we are currently wearing.  When something has taken effort and commitment, it’s worth savouring.

3. “Positive affirmations” – This can be defined simply as positive thinking to develop a positive attitude.  We can teach children to reframe their thinking in order to develop their confidence with positive self-talk.  Newington is committed to developing growth mindsets in the community, which is closely linked to this idea.  So, next time you hear your son say “I’m bad at this” reframe the thought to something like “Once I get more practice, I’ll be much better”.  The example used by my children’s martial arts instructor was to reframe “Oh, I’ve got to get up early to go swimming” to “I get to go swimming today!”.

Thinking about this in a parent context, some of us might say I have got to go to work today. Instead we should say I get to go to work today and think about all the benefits (opportunities, family security, helping others and sense of self) that work provides us all.

Self-confidence is the ability to recognise that what we do has value, adds meaning to others and is purposeful. Important lessons for all of us. 

“If you hear a voice within you say ‘you cannot paint’, then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.” Vincent Van Gogh

Ben Barrington-Higgs